Short term memory problems

Seems like my memory has been extra bad since my recent bout of food poisoning. I ask people if I just asked them something. So far, no one has mentioned it except for myself.

I would like to figure out a better way to record books that I have read. I put them here but no one reads this and I can't really SEARCH it so what is the use?

The happiness advantage (book): the seven principles of positive psychology that fuel success and performance at work, by Shawn Achor. Not sure why I keep reading books about the workplace even though I am retired. It sort of went in one eye and out the other (short term memory problems as I mentioned before).

The night of the gun (book) : a reporter investigates the darkest story of his life, his own, by David Carr. I wanted to read this because he recently dropped dead too young at work at the New York Times and I wasn't really familiar with his work. He looks into his history with addiction by interviewing many people in his life ad nauseum.

Phuc Dat Bich

Learned from my Vietnamese nail technicians...there are some names in Vietnamese which become BAD words in English. Of course, the pronunciation is different in Vietnam, but. For example, the name Phuc means happiness or good luck but comes across kind of dirty in English. The word Bich refers to a kind of gem (jade). They actually knew somebody named Phuc Dat Bich. But mostly, people with these names change them. They witnessed one guy at the Motor Vehicle agency who didn't change his name and the lady had to SPELL his name instead of call it out loud.

Tried to read the book Alan Turing : the enigma (book), by Andrew Hodges. This is the book that inspired the film The imitation game. I found the book totally dense and full of mathematical jargon. I gave it my best effort because I really enjoyed the movie and because Alan Turing is everywhere these days.
He makes the analogy that gay people are always playing "the imitation game" when they try to appear heterosexual. Another comment was the irony of the war (WW II) being won by a gay, atheist, British mathematician. I was glad to learn that he did have a number of friends and relationships. The movie made him seem like a bit of a loner.

It is a very gray, gloomy day. I don't enjoy being home of such grim days. It is DEPRESSING. Starting my plan of getting myself together and getting ON TRACK. That means eating right and exercising every day. I have to get myself under control as a 50th high school reunion is coming up. That is a daunting thought.
I am not calling it being on a diet, I am calling it ON TRACK. I have been extremely OFF TRACK lately.

Feeling invisible

Sometimes feeling invisible is bad and sometimes I WANT to be invisible. A woman of a certain age gets to feeling invisible. Flirting works better with infants than with men these days. Also feel like a follower not a leader, an attender not an organizer.

Things that make me feel old:

- the restaurant where my 60th birthday party was held has been torn down
- my mother and two friends that were present at that party are dead
- I still think tattoos are LOW CLASS
- I am still LEASING a telephone
- I have never spent money on a television

There is a lot of new music I want to hear/get - Stevie Nicks, Jackson Brown, Prince, Leonard Cohen. Right now am enjoying a new album on Hoopla
- 24 karat gold - songs from the vault (album) by Stevie Nicks. Especially loving the songs Twisted and Lady!

A feeling of well-being

Is it thanks to recent trip or summer or what? Or perhaps as was quoted in a New Yorker story..."He had worked as a carpenter and landscaper for years and was happy, as he often said, to have no other responsibilities but to watch the sun rise and set."

Approaching the ATM machine, I am appalled at the litter of all of the receipts people leave around. I feel sort of lucky when I see so many that say "insufficient funds" or have a balance of $8.94.

Getting more emails and enjoying them less.
- Yahoo: 20535
- Google: Hundreds
- work: thousands
- left at my previous job: thousands

My schizophrenic day

Perhaps that is not the name for it, but I have gone from serene to angry to pissed off to happy again. Started out at Cape May Point listening to the ocean, painting in the sun, smelling the flowers, enjoying the peace and quiet. Then I drove to my town and up to get an emergency manicure for a party tonight. Top nails is so unpleasant I had to leave. No one acknowledges you and when I spoke to a woman she looked like I had done something HIGHLY inappropriate. I was hating it so much I couldn't even stay. Accidentally walked out with one of their nail polishes. That's what they get. Then working up a sweat at home trying to get all of the things done for party tonight and spending several days away from home. I am all discombobulated. Laundry, phone messages, trash, sheet of sister appreciation, stuff to wear, etc. Left with only a few minutes to get an audio book for my long drive and check the email at the library. Lo and behold...in addition to air conditioning, they had new big screen computers and the kind of mice that I like, the small, dainty ones. I am in seventh heaven! And they got FASTER too.

Am in a real Diane Keaton phase. Finished the audio book of Let's just say it wasn't pretty, humorous essays about her life and loves and kids and beauty and aging. She has 48 pictures of men "imprisoned" on her wall and is a serial house renovator. She has lived in 10 houses in 15 years. I can't imagine that!
Really enjoyed this audio book and laughed out loud in several spots.

Now someone is hacking and coughing next to me. OK, I forgot about the other irritating thing after the nail salon debacle. Came home and ALL THREE of the annoying dogs in my neighborhood were barking at once. I really do resent dogs that bark at me when I am just minding my own business. That was the best thing about Cape May Point, no friggin' barking dogs.

Feelings of impending doom

Torrents of rain and hours of gloom tend to depress me and give me feelings of impending doom. Let me count the ways...
- small ants are back in the kitchen
- tenants have given notice that they are moving
- Ceiling is wet with leaks
- doubting all of my decisions (thank God I didn't have to have jury duty!)
- this is the second day I have not exercised (country western dancing tonight?)
- heat (oil) still needed
- it will be gloomy and rainy for art class tomorrow
- neighbors with annoying barking dog have now gotten a SECOND dog

There must be some reasons to be happy...
- my grandmother is being honored tonight
- I finally got ahold of someone I have been trying to get ahold of for a good long time
- neighbors who had the most annoying barking dog may be moving?
- weight went down overnight

"Very slippery out there..."

It is an odd day. Inches of snow were forecast but I woke up to rain, heavy rain, and had to wade through inches of water to get into my car. Did it rain that hard or was it all of the melting snow? Anyway, I HATE it. Even though I was going to be LATE to yoga, I kept on going cause I knew how hard it would be to make myself drive further, later, to go to my health club. And I have been blowing off the exercise for increasing numbers of days now.

Depressed by - rain - people next to me who can do the forward bend and touch head to floor - endless winter.

Enlivened by - tiny light strings at yoga - a rock at yoga that said SMILE - getting online.

Guess I will just go home after my stint at the library and stay there, although I do not even enjoy being home when it is raining. Must turn on a lot of lights and the heat and burn some candles and I don't know what all to cheer myself up. Missed Downton Abbey last night and spent hours watching the Super Bowl, which was HORRIBLE.
I feel so sorry for the losers, especially when they lose in such a spectacularly awful way. And all of the commercials are just plain exhausting. The one that made me laugh out loud was listed as the "biggest groaner" on Technorati. That was the one with the cross breed of dog.

Government by tantrum

Yes, that is what we have in the United States of America. The Republicans all strike me as hard-edged, white, too thin, uptight, tight-lipped, tight-assed whiners. Get over it, please, and let's just TRY the Affordable health act. I refuse to call it OBAMACARE any more. I think that just encourages them and discourages the American public. What is so bad about socialized medicine, after all? Medicare is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. At least one thing in life just occurs and it is a good thing. No decisions needed, not much paperwork involved and it saves you money.

Sitting on the porch of the New Dodge's market in Elmer. It was on my list of places to use the wireless. However, it is on a REALLY busy and noisy intersection of Route 40 and some other street and it is very unpleasant. The weather is great, however, and unseasonably warm. Had a delicious salad with a fabulous salad dressing.

Time to get back to Bridgeton and buy my new and old prescriptions. Ready for a rest. Had a biopsy even though I went into the dermatologist determined to not get cut. This is practically impossible when you visit this (or any) dermatologist as we all know. I vow to try harder to not scratch. I felt the visit was worth it and perhaps there is HOPE for the future. Hard to be positive when you have had a skin disorder for 16 months! (Can't believe how time flies). She wanted to know if I was anxious (just about the neighbors) or depressed, (no, but I AM highly medicated). Scratching is related to OCD (OK< I admit it, I do have that).

Aged goods

Spotted this sign on an abandoned bar as I drove through Millville, New Jersey, today. It used to say PACKAGED GOODS but the "pack" got torn off.

So happy whilst walking on the Ocean City boardwalk today. The sun! The breezes! The unseasonably warm weather! The polite and quiet people! I am so hating my town (Bridgeton) these days. I think I could live at the beach or somewhere far, far away from annoying people. So many beach towns within an hour of my house. But it seems more and more people are heading to Ocean City, America's family resort. Maybe because there are so many rentals there? Or because it is a dry town? Last September I was a bit lonely while renting there, but maybe it depends on my mood? I like peace and quiet and I am surrounded by LOUD people with bad grammar and lots of cursing. Also yapping dogs. Even if the dog is houses away from me, it bugs me to no end. I have this week taken to wearing earplugs but they don't help that much. And you can only use them when you AREN'T listening to NPR. Have added earplugs to my really long shopping list.

I guess the other alternative is to be home less. Or travel more. Or sleep elsewhere. Only slept away from home ONE NIGHT the whole summer.

Threshold amnesia?

I was told this is an actual condition, but maybe he was kidding? Whereby upon going from one room to another, you forget why you came in there.

Had great fun at an antiques appraisal yesterday. Had never been to something like that, but plenty of people came lugging their treasures. I was helping to organize the people waiting. We were there for 4 hours, had 54 people with over 100 items. The man doing it was very entertaining and I learned a lot. Of course, it is very hard for me to part with anything, but it is fun to dream about the possible value of your possessions. I vowed to start taking better care of my STUFF. I brought a Hummel figure of a kid playing doctor. While Hummels are too plentiful to be very valuable, it seems things like doctors could be worth more. Must research online. There are websites devoted to Hummel figurines. Then I had a tin lantern with a candle in it. My great aunt told me that she had a darkroom and made postcards. The appraiser suggested researching photographic collectibles for that one. Also, I should see if I can find any of her postcards for sale online. I know, it is a longshot.

The weather has been so phenomenal this fall! Every day I wake up to the same gorgeous sunny weather as the day before.

Job titles I would like to have

Wouldn't it be nice to tell someone at a party that you were an "Equine portrait photographer"?

One of my pet peeves is people who talk on their cell phones WHILE THEY ARE WORKING, especially when they aren't even speaking English. I think it was a Cambodian nail technician that brought on THIS rant. Then one of the other workers turned on his MAC and started blaring some program in another language even though the TV was on. Grrrr.... The manicure was OK but the ambiance was terrible. Won't be going back there soon or ever.

I fear I am getting early-onset Alzheimer's. (Also have been unable to resolve the issue that once I heard that there was no longer an apostrophe in Alzheimer's but that seems to have been a DREAM). I went to get my haircut and couldn't remember which side I parted my hair on. Can I blame it on the mirror effect? A few days ago I went to pick up a friend at the bus station and had trouble remembering exactly what exit and which road to turn around on. Is it NORMAL aging or ABNORMAL aging? I do feel somewhat foggy even when I am NOT taking a pain pill or a Xanax.

Weird Hawaiian music

Trying to fit everything in today. Exercise is getting short shrift. Starbucks not so enjoyable. It was too hot outside even though it is a BEAUTIFUL day. My favorite (big) table became free but it is too sunny in here and they are playing a really weird Hawaiian album. Drinking an unnecessary decaf skinny mocha tall thingy.

Don't really want to go home because of my new-found hatred of the neighbors. They are flaunting their "right" to have a barking pit bull ruin my life. Every day I have to fight the ANTS and the NEIGHBORS. Did start a new obsessive/compulsive system of tracking the events in the neighborhood. Listing time spent at home (not much) and counting the incidents of neighbor aggravation (16 yesterday). Also counting the amount of trash I pick up daily (7 today). This is all fodder for my future letters and court cases (if any). I was happy that the code enforcement made them pick up trash in their yard. I am on anxiety meds and can't sleep for thinking about how unhappy I am living in my town. Most everyone with money and sense has moved out! No wonder I look on FOR RENT signs with trepidation. At least my sister's tenants and myself are united in our hatred of the neighbors. I am supposed to do something each day on that issue to make myself feel a bit better. Was going to make an Excel spreadsheet but I think I have a better plan.

The weather has been great, wonderful, fabulous for over a week. Summer is not so bad after all. Today sat by the lake in the sun or the shade, felt the breezes, talked to friends and ate hot dogs and snacks. Spectacular clouds and crisp air and scenery. It is good to have friends when I am feeling under attack by the pit bull and the inconsiderate neighbors.

I should have taken a xanax today

Don't know why everything is rubbing me the wrong way this week.  Is it just me?  Or is the world especially aggravating this week?  I DO want everything to go just my way and when it doesn't...

First I had a guy pull in front of me going too slowly and then he immediately slows down and pulls off to the side of the road without a blinker.  I couldn't help myself.  I HONKED at him, which I try not to do, cause I hate when people do it to me.  Then I got to the pool and the gate was still locked.  So I had to traipse back to the desk with all of my crap and ask them to unlock it.  But THEN...me, all alone at an Olympic sized pool.  Is there anything better than that?

But now I have one ear clogged up and feel in somewhat of an other-worldly state. Gliding through the world, 25 pounds less, but my clothes have not become too large!  They must have really been tight before.
It is weird how you lose weight in certain places (my knees) and not in others (my waist).

Thank you for choosing the Bridgeton McDonalds.  I love going to this McDonalds because THREE different people wish for me to have a good day.  You can't help but feel a bit more cheerful after that.

Three book reviews

The art of living single, by Michael Broder: I picked this up at a used book sale.  Even though it was published in 1988 and written by a man, I found it helpful.  It offers a positive take on deciding how you want to live.  How to meet people if that is what you want to do or how to live on your own instead.  I think I will redonate this book back to the library.

Everyday paleo, by Sarah Fragoso. Borrowed from the Vineland Public Library (613.282 Fra). I looked at all the recipes which are nicely illustrated with large photos.  The author provides exercises for individuals, couples and parent and child.  I don't think I am going to follow this cave man diet. It seems that you just eat meat, vegetables and fruits.   The shopping list for one week included a list of 81 ingredients!  I have no food in the house and have more demands for my cash other than grocery shopping.

Brain on fire : my month of madness, by Susannah Cahalan. Borrowed from the Vineland Public Library (616.832 Cah).  The author deteriorated into a person with strange and inexplicable symptoms, such as facial twitching,  drooling, and paranoia.  Finally one doctor diagnosed her rare autoimmune disease, possibly anti-NMDA-receptor encephalitis, and administered appropriate treatment.  She makes the point that possibly others now and in history have suffered from this disease and been misdiagnosed and thought to be crazy or possessed by demons.

Anonymous blogs

Wrote to a guy who HAD a blog to ask some questions.  I liked his sense of humor and his self revelations.  He immediately responded with a long email which helped me.  He started off with an anonymous blog.  The more his friends discovered it, the more he had to censor himself.  This is my problem.  So, I am going to make my blog public again but STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.  I have learned that I really don't want criticism.  That is why I don't work!

According to statistics, most people abandon their blogs after 2 or 3 months.  I still feel like writing, despite my recent crisis of purpose.

It was so great to see so many friends over the weekend.  Since Monday things not going so well.  Spent an entire afternoon struggling with the tax stuff at the library and they didn't have a calculator to lend me.  Finally had to send off an extension form even though I do not believe in extensions.  Now that the post offices all close at 5, that was my deadline.  After spending 5 hours on it, I ended up brain dead, pissed off, confused, and a bunch of other negative emotions.  Then I went to my book club and couldn't think of much to say about the book, Zuka and the fire of life, by Salman Rushdie.  Today I woke up with noises of butchering of trees.  Went outside and found out it is MY neighbors with three types of heavy equipment going a bit overboard, if you ask me.  They proceeded to destroy a quite lovely fir tree because the owner wants to put a DUMPSTER back there, so he can renovate the downstairs apartment (and thus give me DOUBLE the trouble).  I had to take an anti-anxiety pill and leave home to get away from the noise and the thinking about it.

Not much to say

I think I am losing interest in this blog, along with many other things.  Is it the winter blues?

Dedicating a large part of today to reading the Sunday New York times.  I usually only do that when I am visiting my sister in North Jersey as she has a subscription.  I find the actual paper so much more enjoyable than the online version.

Managed to fit everything in this weekend.  Friday night I volunteered at a concert of Ben Williams and the sound machine.  It was jazzy and very compelling and exciting.  I should go to more concerts, even if I don't know what I am going to hear, like with this group.  Out to breakfast Saturday morning at Dodge's Market in Elmer.  A tasteful array of healthy foods.  Joined some woman friends for a lunch at a friend's house and then up to North Jersey for a family reunion of sorts.  The highlights of the evening were watching Downton Abbey (unfortunately a segment I had already seen TWICE), watching one episode of The killers and going out into the hot tub while it was snowing.

Secrets of my (health) success

I never seem to get "sick".  Of course, I am always semi-sick with an as-yet-unidentifed dread disease, but I don't get colds or the flu or any of that.  Here are the secrets of my success:
- Eat junk food
- Never clean your house
- Live alone

Why is my name so hard to remember?  My massage therapist and my exercise teacher are always calling me by the wrong name.  And not the SAME name, either.  I don't correct them.  I will answer to anything. 
My massage therapist calls me Janine and my exercise teacher calls me Mary Jane.

Went back on antidepressant yesterday.  I answered one question....I didn't automatically lose weight when I went off of them.  I was perfectly happy on Pristiq but it was going to cost me some horrifying amount with my new drug plan situation.  So, I was getting along OK...sometimes being obsessed with my NEED for an antidepressant and sometimes forgetting completely about it.  My doctor suggested that I fill my prescription for another brand because what can it hurt to try?  So I did.

High anxiety

Things making me anxious:
- A "for sale" sign went up outside my neighbor's house.  The known annoyance is better than the unknown one.  And the new owner will probably rent out TWO apartments because that is what they DO in my neighborhood.  Double the opportunity for noise, dogs, too many people, etc.
- WHEN is the weather going to improve?  I really can't stand it when it approaches freezing.  I am not comfortable in my clothes, in my apartment, outdoors, or ANYWHERE.
- My audiobook is really making me nervous.  The ruins incorporates hostile Mayans, very aggressive flowering vines, strange traveling cell phone noises, broken backs, language barriers, bloody gashes, food and water deprivations and the fear of never being rescued. 
- I took two anxiety pills today

Finished a book on my Nook.  Must be a young adult.  I choose it because a friend of mine is REALLY into Meg Cabot.  The book is called All-American girl.  It is about a teenager who is artistic and a picky eater and not really in with the popular kids.  She sort of accidentally saves the life of the president and gets catapulted into celebrity and popularity.  Another theme is figuring out which boy she really likes.  It was enjoyable and a quick read.

Don't know if it is this computer or my eyes, but some of these letters look green and some of them look black.

Feeling irritable

Don't know why I am feeling so irritable this afternoon. Had a nice morning at our annual Christmas fund raising event; helping, buying and admiring cute children. But now I feel rushed and unhealthy. "NEED" to exercise but feel incapable of doing it. Always struggling to fit in computer and exercise and appreciation of the limited daylight hours. Drove by McDonald's but there was no handy parking and people were sitting at my favorite laptop table. So, I rushed over to the library and was confronted by NOISY, obnoxious child. With "caretakers" who seem oblivious to the commotion. Stopped at a deli on the way and THEY HAD NO DIET COKE. Had to go to Shoprite to purchase something for dinner but I didn't really WANT to be there, nor did I have the time for it.

Recently had a haircut and color. Not sure where I want to go with my hair. Somewhat disappointed that I lost my highlights to which I was quite attached. Have been jumping around from hairdresser to hairdresser since mine up and moved to Arizona (the bum!) It WAS, however, a really enjoyable day (Friday) as I had a lot of attention from hairdresser and then got a manicure and a pedicure. Boy, am I SPOILED!

Saw a good show on TV the other night. It was just a serendipitous discovery going around the dial as this is how I watch TV. It was called Park Avenue : money, power and the American dream. As the New York Post described it, "Channel 13's rich bash".
I believe it was based on the book 740 Park Avenue about some of the residents of this building who are not particularly nice, in addition to being billionaires. It talked about how the Koch brothers are behind the "grass roots" movement known as the Tea party.